Rejection hurts and is extremely unpleasant. Nevertheless, she is part of life. We can not prevent being rejected or encountering rejection. However, we can learn to deal better with rejection. In this article, I’ll tell you 7 helpful tricks.
Rejection we experience constantly in life: We receive a rejection on our letter of application, a basket of our crush, the partner leaves us, a friend would like to meet today with us, in the office, our project idea is rejected and in the sports club we will elected last in the team.
At every turn we can be rejected and unfortunately there is no proper prevention for it.
But why is it so difficult for us to deal with rejection at all?
To be rejected from the pain
If we are so often confronted with it, one would think that we were slowly getting used to being rejected. But puff pie. Being rejected is always a painful experience and that has a good reason.
More precisely, there are several reasons for this:
- For example, our longing to be recognized by others and to be integrated in a community. This is a normal and human need. You can find more about this here.
- In addition, rejection often creates a sense of helplessness and loss of control . If my friend does not want to be with me anymore, there is not much I can do about it. I have to accept his decision and can not do anything to influence it. A shy feeling.
- Often enough, we also make our self-esteem dependent on being recognized by others. If we then receive a rebuff, we consider ourselves to be inferior people and, as a consequence, reject ourselves as soon as possible.
Reasons enough that rejection and us are not best friends. But it gets worse:
Neuroscientists * have found that rejection really hurts: rejection activates our brain in the same place as physical injury or illness, namely in the pain center. So, whether you have a scared knee or have been rejected by your crush, it causes a similar pain.
Why is that?
Death sentence rejection
For evolutionary reasons, people who were well-integrated in a community got along better. Those who were on their own were eaten rather or frozen, because he could not care enough for themselves. The people who hurt when they were expelled from a community were thus the better-adjusted people and easier to survive. Our brain has still not forgotten this connection.
Even though rejection today is no longer a death sentence, we still feel pain when others reject us or our ideas.
This pain varies from person to person. Just as everyone feels a cut differently, so do we have different tolerance limits for the rejection that we receive in the course of life. The pain is also less when we receive a basket from our flock than when we have been abandoned by our great love, but it hurts all times.
7 tips to better deal with rejection
So what can we do? How can we manage to deal better with rejection? The following 7 tips can help you defend your self-esteem and deal more constructively with rejections .
1. Do not take it personally
Especially people with low self-esteem take criticism as an attack on their person. They perceive any rejection as a rejection of their person and consequently believe that they are less good and valuable than others. However, rejection does not say anything about you as a person. It is not a personal attack. No matter in which case you have been rejected, keep this in mind: The person has rejected something that did not work or fit to or for her. She refused the request, not you as a human.
2. Find alternative explanations
If someone does not want to go out with you, that does not mean that you are stupid, ugly or unlovable. Maybe this person is already taken. Maybe she’s just out of a relationship and not ready for something new. Maybe you just are not her type. There are many plausible explanations that can stand behind a discharge. In any case you should avoid thoughts like “Nobody wants me!” Or “I have nothing to offer!” These are just your (out of breath) evaluations and not objective criteria.
3. Stay realistic
Suppose someone comes to you so stupid and tells you in the face that you are ugly, stupid or a failure. It provides you with a reason for its removal, which makes the search for alternative explanations – admittedly – somewhat difficult. But only courage. What helps now is to make it clear to you that it is a point of view at ONE time by ONE person and not something like a universal truth.
It’s not possible to be liked by all people. Even Jesus or Mother Theresa were certainly not liked by all people. This is not a statement about their value as persons. It is not normal to be liked by all people. After all, you do not like all people. After all, an insensitive rejection like the one above says more about the person who uttered it than about the person who receives it.
4. Be good to yourself
What helped you as a child when you fell and scraped your knees? Surely, the pain was reduced in the moment when your parents came and turned to you: Here is a comforting word, there a colorful animal patch and on top of it a little more blowing and it was not so bad. It’s wonderful when we get attention from other people. However, we can give ourselves this care ourselves.
Right now, when you know that rejections hurt, maybe next time you can treat you with love. Then you can give yourself the time you need, talk to you well and comfort you.
What to do if repeated rejection?
Being rejected is part of life. We can not protect ourselves from it. Each person makes in the course of his life again and again the experience to be rejected. Especially when these experiences come in series, they are particularly perfidious. Repeated rejection is offensive, painful and attacks our self-esteem . Anyone who is rejected over and over again, develops a lot of self-doubt and in the worst case loses faith in himself.
In order not to let that happen, you can do the following:
If you get a rebuff on your application letter after the next, it is worth asking:
- What was the issue?
- How can I improve my application?
Friendships always break up or you constantly get a basket, ask for what did not fit. For example, you may ask people who are close to you how you are acting on others. Maybe you find out that you are very intrusive to others, that you strangely humiliate them, or put too many expectations. You may also hear that you come across hostile, aggressive or disinterested. In any case, you will get interesting insights and, if necessary, one or the other starting point to solve your problem.
6. Recognize own contribution
A series of cancellations can be coincidence. However, systematics may be behind it. Then you are not just bad luck or the others are idiots, but your inquiries and applications have significant gaps. Instead of cursing the world or crawling in your shell, stay open to your own share of what you might be wearing in the rejections . If your manuscript is rejected by several publishers in a row, your manuscript is probably not quite round.
Question critically and look for ways to improve yourself. Again: This is not a statement about your value as a human being. A not quite round manuscript does not make you an incompetent author and it does not make you a loser. There are only 1-2 points that you can maybe improve.
7. Showing positive aspects
Especially when you have to cope with repeated rejections, it is especially important to see the positive in your life. Yes, you are going through a difficult time, but there are still aspects of your life that are good all the time. Maybe you have great kids, a friend who supports you, or you’ve been successful with applications before. You can do something.
You are a valuable person and no change, no rejection or rejection will ever change that.
Would you like to believe it, but your self-doubts get in the way? Then here’s a step-by-step guide to boosting your self-esteem, gaining self-confidence, finding new self-confidence, and finally coming to terms with more self-care.